What I Did on My Summer Vacation - Part 1

Remember all those times when you were a kid and your father pumped up the old inflatable raft so you could go boating in the street after a rainstorm?  Me neither.  I remember getting stuck in a blizzard in Erie, Pennsylvania when I was young where we lost my sister in a snowdrift at the motel.  It was only a for a few minutes and we eventually found her, slightly colder and slightly less likely to trust her parents when they said the snow was safe to walk on, but alive and reasonably well disposed.  I also remember taking my diaper off and running through rose bushes when I was very young - that sort of thing leaves a mark both physical and mental - but I don't remember having a lake in my street.

I do, however, have a memory of being a father pumping up the inflatable boat so my kids could paddle around after a rainstorm after a lake appeared where there had never been one previously.  It is totally cool to see the looks of joy on the faces of the neighborhood kids as they come splashing toward the boat through what is most likely a mixture of rainwater and sewage backup.  There was definitely a diaper or two floating in it, but that could have been just from the fact that it was garbage day and all the cans on the block had been knocked over by the flood.  In any case, there was a significant amount of water on the ground and a significant amount of fun being had by all the neighbor kids.

They all took turns in the boat, paddling around, splashing each other, and, in general, having a blast.  

The adults were a little less thrilled due to the fact that there was a lake where the street should have been.  Sure, it was cool to watch the kids cavorting around without a care in the world, but being adults we are often aware of things that are not nearly as fun as boating in the street. Typically when there is that much water around it has to go somewhere and, as we and a few of our neighbors found out, basements are high on the list of places water wants to be.

At first our basement seemed to be fine.  A few wet spots on the carpet were all we had to worry about while our neighbors across the street ended up with several inches of standing water in their basements.  As the day wore on though, we found that our floor drain was seeping water at a fairly prodigious rate leaving us with the complimentary suck jobs of carpet removal and water vacuuming.

We decided on a strategy to try and save as much of the carpet as we could and simply cut out the carpet and pad that were completely soaked, leaving the merely damp to sit overnight and attempt to dry.  After a few hours of constant water vacuuming the inflow subsided to a trickle and we decided that we had definitely had enough of our basement for the day.  After setting up some fans we migrated upstairs to rest and hope for the best. 

The next morning, however, we found that the damp carpet was still damp and other bits of the floor had increased its moisture content to above acceptable levels.  New wet spots had appeared on the remaining carpet and formerly wet areas had become decidedly squishy.  We started to do a bit of water vacuuming to get the majority of the water up and then let the fans run a bit longer and hope for dryness over the next few days.

Like those of Cubs fans in September (or, in a few memorable seasons, June), our hopes were dashed when, in the following days, our carpet became musty and nasty and, in general, disagreeable to be around.  It was decided that an excision of the remaining carpet was called for so Jen and I worked together to move furniture and other little items around the basement so we could cut and roll up the remainder of our carpeting.  It turns out that this was a wise choice as the padding under the carpet was completely soaked and, like a colicky two year old with diarrhea that hasn't slept for the past three nights, totally needed to be thrown out.  Not that I would ACTUALLY throw away a colicky two year old with diarrhea that hasn't slept for the past three nights, but if you are a parent it is not a completely foreign notion so the analogy stands.  Besides, I don't want to press backspace right now so it is staying.  

Even after cutting the carpet and padding, moving the padding was like carrying a sponge.  A giant, six foot long, bendy, wet sponge.  The carpeting wasn't much better, but at least it had a little resistance to it which made carrying it up the stairs a little more enjoyable.  Well, if not enjoyable, at least less of a suck job.  

In the process of pulling up the carpet we discovered that the tack strips (those wicked little pieces of wood which hold the carpet down near the walls) had completely turned black and could be scraped up with just a little bit of effort.  This prompted Jen to ask, "Is that mold?"

Which prompted me to reply, "I don't know."

Despite its honesty, this reply didn't seem to satisfy her curiosity so she said something to the effect of, "Aren't you a biologist?  Isn't this something you should know about?  I mean, you can't fix a car or build a wall or kill a deer with a hunting knife should you need to provide meat for your family in the event of a total, catastrophic power failure in which society crumbles and we are forced to live off our wiles in the wilderness, so shouldn't you at least be able to apply what you do know to this situation and come up with a little knowledge to drop on me?"

I might have paraphrased and exaggerated that last statement a bit, but I don't think by much.

So, with a practiced eye and a keen sense that what I said next mattered a great deal, I said, "I think it could be.  It could also just be wet wood.  If we have mold spores around, which we probably do given the fact that they are literally everywhere, then any damp surface could harbor mold growth.  So - maybe?"

This didn't have the desired calming effect on my lovely bride, so we began checking around the place a bit for signs of mold.  Considering the fact that the house has most likely been leaking since we bought it 10 years ago it was a good bet that we would find something fairly quickly, and after moving a piece of paneling to see the drywall we did, indeed, discover a largeish patch of blackish mold.  It was, in hindsight, sort of pretty, all black and shiny with a few white patches thrown in for good measure.  Without proper mold testing it is impossible to tell the species, but it could have been the dreaded "Black Mold" (Stachybotrys) which is THE hot thing in real estate nowadays. 

Upon finding this relatively large patch of mold we began to collectively freak right out.  I immediately started looking into how to clean it up and deal with the problem and, given that the internet is totally fast, I also immediately found out that the EPA recommends that a homeowner without respiratory issues or immune problems can safely handle a mold remediation of up to 10 square feet on their own.  Anything larger requires professional remediation.  The section that we had discovered was easily bigger than and I have asthma with an allergy to mold.  This meant bringing in the pros.     

This is where the story gets good, partly because I get to have a decent nervous breakdown and partly because we learned a lot over the coming weeks, but I think it is a good place to stop for now.

There's a hundred and four days of summer vacation...

This past summer, Jen and I sat down with the boys and made up a plan for all of the fun and educational activities we were going to partake in.  We thought it would be cool to do things like visit the Field Museum, Planetarium, and Shedd Aquarium.  The boys both agreed that, yes, those would be cool things to do, but they had their own ideas and suggested things like fossil hunting, a visit to the moon, catching penguins, and, thankfully, the zoo.  We dutifully wrote these activities, and others, on little cards and put them in a jar,  This jar was to be our planning aide in that when we were planning our fun and exciting (and educational) activities, we could randomly pick a card from the jar and set off on whatever adventure we had inscribed on it.  We then placed the jar in a safe location so that we would always know where it was and then promptly forgot about it, never to look on it again.

I'm still not sure where that jar went to, but I do know that we never did most of the things we had written down.  We went to many parks, played at the pool, watched TV, and, in general, had a nice relaxing summer.  However, as my summer break came to a close, I got a bit of a hankerin' to do some of the things we had talked about.  I don't know if you are the same way, but when a vacation comes to an end, I get the feeling that I want to do both everything and nothing at the same time.  I want to go for a run and go to a movie and sit on the couch and finish the trim on the floor and learn to play the guitar and go camping and sit on the couch and read and go on a trip and not go on a trip all AT THE SAME TIME.  It can be fairly frustrating, and it happens at the beginning of every August.  Thankfully, one evening as I was running through my list of things to both do and not do, Ethan came into the room.  He was holding a book open to a picture of a penguin and said, "Daddy, I want to see more penguins."

"Sure," I said.  "No problem.  Lets fire up the ol' internet get a bunch of pictures for you..."

"No!  A REAL pengiun."

"Well, we don't have real penguins around here.  They live in the southern hemisphere and..."

"And I want to see a bat."

"A bat?"  I paused for a second.  "The animal or the thing you hit a ball with?"  Sometimes it is just fun to mess with your offspring.

He looked at me like I was a moron.  He may not know the word "moron", but all kids come standard with the ability to fix their parents with a look that conveys, in no uncertain terms, that you are exactly that.  "The animal," he said, slowly.

"Oh.  Ok.  Well, how about we go to the zoo?"

"YEAH!" he yelled.  "The Zoo!  Lets go see animals!  I wanna see a monkey and a whale and a baby moose and a bat that is an animal and a polar bear and a squirrel and ..."  He continued listing animals for a little while while he ran into his room to get ready to go.  He didn't realize that it was late and that we were not going until the next day, but eventually we got him into bed and off to sleep.

The next day the whole family set off on our zoological adventure.  It was a great day for it, and we soon found ourselves looking at most of the animals on Ethan's list.  (Alas, no whales.)  We began our journey in the ape exhibit.  Given that their father is a biology teacher, they both know the difference between monkeys and apes.  Given that they are both young boys, they don't know when to keep their mouths closed.

While we were looking at a few gorillas, a boy who looked to be about 9 or so jumped up by the glass and shouted excitedly to his parents, "Look at the monkey!"

"Ape," corrected Ryan without really looking at the kid.

"Yeah," added Ethan.  "Ape."

"What?" said the boy with a little less excitement and slightly more anger.

"Monkeys have tails, apes don't," said Ethan.

"Do you see a tail?" asked Ryan

My first thought was, "Wow, my boys are geniuses!"  My second thought was, "Man, that bigger kid looks kinda pissed."  My third thought was, "I don't think I want to go to jail for punching a 9 year old."

"Ryan!  Ethan!  Look at that orangutan over there!  Why don't we go look at that!"

"Also an ape," said Ryan over his shoulder to the kid as we walked away.

"Yeah," said Ethan.  "No tail."

Thankfully the rest of the day passed without much incident.  They both really liked the snakes and bats, and I especially liked when Ryan attempted to speak to the snakes in the Harry Potter snake language of Parseltongue.  ("Dad, I think the snake is listening to me!")

Ethan, who is known for his understatement, kept pointing out various traits of the animals.  "That's a really big moose," he said of what is clearly the biggest moose in the world.  "That's a really long neck," he said of a giraffe that was as tall as a 2 story house.  That is a really red butt," he said of the baboons.

So the trip was a success.  We all got to see some animals, the boys got something from the gift shop to break on the way home, and we had a great outing as a family.

Two days ago, however, Ethan brought up the zoo visit again while we were driving home from someplace.  He was rambling on about different animals and eventually hit on an idea he had to share.

"I want a gorilla."

"No you don't," said Ryan.

"Yes I do.  I want a gorilla."

"As a pet," I asked, "or as a stuffed animal?"

"A pet," he said confidently.  "I want a gorilla as a pet."

"Well, I don't see a problem with that," I said.  "How about you, Jen?"

"Nope," she said, playing along.  "I don't see any issues with having a gorilla at home."

"Yea!" said Ethan.

"How about you Ryan?" I asked.  "Do you see any problems with having a gorilla as a pet?"

He thought for a second and then said, emphatically, "Yes.  There are many problems with having a gorilla as a pet."

"Such as?"

"Well, the main problem is that they would eat all of our banannas," he said matter-of-factly.

"That is true," I said, stifling a laugh.

He continued, "And then mom would have to go back to the store every day to get at least 20 banannas."

"I want to put him in pajamas!" said Ethan, who clearly wasnt' listening to Ryan's objections.

"That's a lot of bananas," Ryan added.

"Monkey pajamas!" said Ethan.

"Gorillas are apes,' exclaimed Ryan, "Don't put him in monkey pajamas."

"Big monkey pajamas with bananas on them," continued Ethan.

"Besides, it is too big to be in the house," added Ryan emphatically.

"It can sleep outside in it's monkey pajamas," said the helpful Ethan.

And it continued like this for the rest of the car ride.  I don't think they came to an agreement about whether or not to get a gorilla, but as soon as we got out of the car, all ape related discussion stopped and we moved on to the next topic, whatever that was, and they completely forgot about the previous one.  Kids can be like that, I guess.  And so can parents, if the activity jar is anything to go by.


 

Little Bits, Part 4

Again, short posts.

Yesterday while we were at the store Ethan informed the cashier and anyone who was within earshot that he wanted to have big testicles and that his were small.  Oh, the things he notices while potty training. (Sun, 08 Aug 2010 14:31:50 GMT)

I have discovered that one of my favorite new things is to have Ethan say "Hippopotamus".  It is really adorable. (Fri, 13 Aug 2010 01:26:22 GMT)

Ryan last night:  "Can you please just give me the password to the computer so I can go help Ethan watch a show?  I promise I'll forget it before bed." (Tue, 17 Aug 2010 11:13:46 GMT)

Had a bit of a dance party with Ethan yesterday in the mall.  I forget which store, but the music was fun and we just danced around while Jen looked.  He can really shake his little booty when the rhythm gets him. (Sun, 22 Aug 2010 17:39:37 GMT)

My little boy is now 3.  He has grown so much, but at least I know that, at least for the time being, he still needs me to pull the arms off his lego guys and reattach them so that they are on backwards. (Thu, 26 Aug 2010 02:57:53 GMT)

Ethan stumbled out of bed this morning into the living room, hair messed up and eyes barely open.  First thing he does is ignite an imaginary lightsaber and battle Darth Vader, complete with sound effects, for a few minutes before cuddling in my lap with his stuffed penguin. (Sat, 28 Aug 2010 16:03:47 GMT)

Over the course of several days, Ethan has asked me many times to "Spin me right round, baby like a record baby right round, round, round."  So of course I oblige him.  You can't ignore a request if it is put to you in the form of a classic 80's tune.  It's in the rule book. (Mon, 30 Aug 2010 01:40:11 GMT)

 Ethan informed me last night when I went to say goodnight that "I am sick now because Ryan punched me in the testicles a month ago when we were downstairs and you were working out and he punched me and I punched him and he punched me hard in the testicles and now I have a small penguin." (Wed, 01 Sep 2010 10:51:03 GMT)

Like father, like son.  Ethan appears to have some sort of breathing issue.  ER Doc seemed to think it has an environmental cause, rather than a bacterial or viral.  Doesn't seem to slow him down much, though. (Thu, 02 Sep 2010 02:50:29 GMT)

 Tonight we watched "Tooth Fairy" and they boys spent most of the time running around pretending to be fairies.  Every now and then they'd switch to being "airbenders", hockey players, jedi, and fish (don't know, didn't ask) and eventually back to fairies.  Fun family movie, but it was more fun to watch the kids. (Sat, 11 Sep 2010 02:37:38 GMT)

 

Ethan yesterday:  "Dad,  I like this strawberry yogurt.  It doesn't have spies in it!"  Me:  "Ummm...yes.  That is a good thing.  The last thing we want are spies in our yogurt." (Sun, 12 Sep 2010 14:16:49 GMT)

 

Ryan and Ethan were playing on my bed this afternoon.  Ryan asks, "Ethan, can I take your shoes off?"  Ethan stands up, extends a foot and says, "Yes."  Ryan grabs his foot, removes the first shoe, then shouts "Sweep the Leg, Johnny!" and totally cuts his other leg out from under him.  I don't remember teaching him that.  Ethan loved it. (Fri, 17 Sep 2010 21:54:39 GMT)

Tonight while the boys and I played soccer, Ethan made an announcement.  He grabbed the ball, put his hands up to his mouth and yelled, "John McEnroe is coming onto the field!".  Ryan promptly ran over to him, stole the ball and ran away.  Ethan got an angry look on his face, threw his hands in the air and shouted "You CANNOT be serious!".  It is my new favorite thing he says. (Fri, 24 Sep 2010 01:18:16 GMT)

Picked up some needles to inflate the soccer balls for practice tonight.  Ethan asked, "Dad, what is those for?".  Me: "To pump up the balls downstairs."  Him: "You gonna pump your balls downstairs?"  Me, not thinking: "Yep."  Him: "Downstairs?  You gonna pump your balls?"  Me: "Stop it.  You are too young for innuendo."  Him:  "What is innuendo?"  Still not convinced he didn't know what he was saying. (Wed, 29 Sep 2010 11:17:38 GMT)

 I didn't realize it began this early, but at soccer last night my son kept "accidentally" kicking his ball onto a field where a U8 girls team was practicing. He'd kick it and he and his buddies would sprint after it, shoving each other and laughing.  They'd collect the ball and then saunter back, looking at them as if to say, "Hello ladies.  Just playin' some soccer.  You like what you see?  I thought so." (Wed, 06 Oct 2010 10:58:39 GMT)

Went for a run this morning with Ryan.  He rode his bike the entire time and only complained once about how hard the hills were.  We did around 3 miles, so he was a little pooped at the end, but said he can't wait to do it again.  Great way to spend part of a Columbus day. (Tue, 12 Oct 2010 01:23:44 GMT

Ethan took his shirt off and is currently crawling around the chair wearing black socks and Blues Clues pajama bottoms saying "Let's Dance!" over and over again.  Looks like I have no choice but to throw on a little Lady Gaga and bust a move. (Sat, 16 Oct 2010 14:24:21 GMT)

Ryan's team won for the first time this season 6-3.  Ryan got 2 goals, had a legitimate assist ("Dad, I looked up, saw Sanders was open, and passed him the ball." as opposed to "Oh, crap...lost control again...oh good, Sanders was there...") and made a few great saves while he was in goal. (Sat, 23 Oct 2010 21:45:43 GMT)

Ethan is convinced that the land which was cleared at a little ways from our house is not going to be used to build an assisted living community, but rather will be used to build "a huge bouncy house" where "the old people will bounce around all day".  I kinda like his idea better. (Sun, 31 Oct 2010 19:55:43 GMT)

The other day Ryan was complaining about Ethan being so clingy and shouted "I want alone time to play by myself!"  Ethan, a little confused on the subject, shouted back "Me too!  I want alone time to play with Ryan!" (Fri, 05 Nov 2010 11:11:15 GMT)

Watching "James and the Giant Peach" with Ryan.  Early in the movie when the titular Giant Peach makes its first appearance, Ryan says, deadpan, "Man, that’s a huge fruit." (Sat, 20 Nov 2010 03:02:33 GMT)

 

Boys both running around shirtless pretending to be Aang/Spiderman/Venom/Superman/Random Gymnast guy/Mario/Penguins all at the same time.  I don't know exactly how they are fitting all those characters into one coherent narrative, but I guess when you are 6 and 3 plot holes are just something you are not terribly concerned with. (Wed, 24 Nov 2010 17:10:45 GMT)

While watching an episode of "Life" with the boys this morning, it was made clear Ethan and Ryan both love cute animals and were prone to saying "Aww!  How adorable!" I thought I had some highly intelligent  boys on my hands, but apparently Ethan isn't as clued in as I originally thought.  At one point, the narrator made reference to a dormant volcano.  Ethan pipes up with, "Aww!  That sure is an adorable volcano." (Sat, 27 Nov 2010 15:40:08 GMT)

Ethan doesn't believe that poop is made from food, so Jen asked me to explain how it all works.  Using their kids anatomy book, I told him about the food going into the mouth, stomach, small intestine, large intestine, "...and then into my testicles!" adds Ethan.  "No, Ethan," corrects Ryan.  "Only drinks go into your testicles.  That's how you pee."  Oh well - at least they know where their testicles are. (Thu, 02 Dec 2010 11:32:06 GMT)

While putting up the Christmas tree yesterday I let the boys choose the music we were going to listen to.  "Charlie Brown Christmas"?  Nope.  Carols?  Nope.  Some sort of instrumental music that at least vaguely resembles Christmas music?  Nope.  They chose "Here Comes Science" by They Might Be Giants.  We put up the tree to songs like "Meet the Elements", "My Brother the Ape", and "Bloodmobile." (Sun, 05 Dec 2010 14:14:47 GMT)

Little Bits, Part 3

More short ones.

The difference between a 5 year old and a 2 year old.  Ryan:  "Why did Jesus have to die?  What day did he die?  Was he a ghost?  Is he the same thing as God?  How did he die on the cross."  Ethan:  "Why did Jesus blow up my house?" (Sat, 27 Mar 2010 21:49:49 GMT)

Breakfast time with two Jedi/Paleontologists/Dinosaurs can be very interesting.  One minute they are discussing what the feathers on Velociraptor might have been for, then then ARE Velociraptors, and finally out comes the Jedi mind trick to convince me that we should go to Chuck E Cheese today.  Never a dull moment. (Sun, 28 Mar 2010 13:09:46 GMT)

Apparently "Dinosaur Train" is educational as well as fun.  Ethan is walking around singing "I'm a T-Rex/Yep, I'm a Tyranosaurus/I'm the biggest carnivore/in the Cretaceous forest."  I don't think he knows what most of those words mean, but he can say "Cretaceous" and "Tyranosaurus", so I'll call this a win. (Wed, 31 Mar 2010 13:48:33 GMT)

Ethan this morning: "Want to hear a funny joke?  Why did the cow cross the road?"  Me:  "I don't know, why?"  Ethan:  "I don't know.  Moo." (Thu, 01 Apr 2010 12:45:24 GMT)

Ethan, while playing with Lego guys:  "Everybody take your pants off!" (Sun, 04 Apr 2010 00:52:00 GMT)

Ryan chucked and Ethan looks sickly, so instead of playing outside in the awesome weather, we are watching "Legoland: Adventures of Clutch Powers" for roughly the 543rd time.  I voted for "The Dark Knight", but obviously I was outvoted. (Fri, 16 Apr 2010 23:17:29 GMT

Home with a sick Ryan.  He is feeling better, which is nice, and keeps asking when he can go out to the park.  Dude, you upchucked so much in the van I expected to see a spleen on the floor - we ain't going anywhere for a while. (Sun, 18 Apr 2010 17:49:57 GMT)

As I was leaving for class tonight, I said good-bye to Ryan, who then told me he loved me (awesome), to Jen, who also told me she loved me (awesome), and to Ethan, who said, "See you later, honey!" (Tue, 20 Apr 2010 01:06:04 GMT)

Ethan just informed me that he is not happy because he is mad.  He also just informed me that he is a cheetah, so I am taking the first declaration with a grain of salt. (Sat, 24 Apr 2010 01:00:43 GMT)

Spent about 1 hour tonight removing a splinter from the hand of a screaming 6 year old.  90% of the time I wasn't even touching him, and had he not flinched so much, the whole thing would have taken about 5 minutes.  Who knew that dissecting the brains out of microscopic embryonic Axolotl embryos all those years ago in college would come in handy? (Mon, 10 May 2010 02:22:29 GMT)

 

Ethan was playing with his Star Wars guys this evening and every time a Storm Trooper attacked Luke, the Storm Trooper got put in Time Out.  "No, Storm Chooper.  Bad Storm Chooper!  Don't hurt Luke.  Go in Time Out!" (Sat, 15 May 2010 02:21:57 GMT)

Whoops.  Ethan just ate about 90% of a tube of Ritz Crackers while I was doing the dishes.  I guess I have to look at this as a win due to the fact that he ate something and that the something he ate wasn't 90% of a jar of Crisco.  Ritz crackers are better for you than Crisco, right? (Sat, 15 May 2010 15:40:37 GMT)

My sons are arguing about who they like more - Anakin, or Darth Vader.  Really arguing. It is far too early for this. (Fri, 21 May 2010 12:44:59 GMT)

Just made portobello mushrooms on the grill.  Quite tasty, if I do say so myself, but the reaction Ethan had when he put a piece in his mouth was priceless.  Several chews followed by a defiant spit into his hand and throw onto his plate.  "Don't wike dat.  Yuk." (Sat, 05 Jun 2010 22:26:30 GMT)

Apparently the swimming pool water is cold.  Ethan says, "Cold testicles!  Cold testicles!" whenever he gets in.  Thankfully only about 75% of the churchgoers behind our house heard him yesterday afternoon. (Sun, 04 Jul 2010 13:13:20 GMT)

I knew that the boys would eventually eat all of our food, but I didn't think that it would happen so soon.  Ryan just ate his lunch of tortellini and sauce and then asked for the rest of mine after I had only taken 3 bites.  I notice that Ethan has a few left in his bowl.  Perhaps I can steal his... (Fri, 16 Jul 2010 16:56:05 GMT)

I learned two somethings today.  #1.  Homemade milkshakes are the best.  #2.  If you stick a spoon into the rotating blades of a blender, the resulting mess will extend all the way to the living room. (Tue, 20 Jul 2010 23:35:24 GMT)

Teaching Ryan to read reminds me of how weird the English language is.  "Book" and "Shoot" both contain "oo", but they don't sound the same.  "Car" and "War" only have one different letter but don't sound the same.  Seems arbitrary, and arbitrary doesn't go over well with a 6 year old! (Sat, 07 Aug 2010 13:10:10 GMT)

Little Bits, Part 5

You know the drill...

Ethan just transformed into a car and zoomed off, complete with sound effects, to brush his teeth. (Wed, 08 Dec 2010 01:47:16 GMT)

In the middle of decorating the Christmas tree Ethan stopped in the center of the living room, bent over and grabbed his butt. He then exclaimed "You gotta open the butt so the poop comes out!". He then got up, grabbed an ornament, and continued decorating. (Fri, 10 Dec 2010 22:45:28 GMT)

 
Last night the boys and I were reviewing how to trash talk so they are ready for when Uncle David comes into town.  They threw large inflated balls at me and I would smack them away yelling things like "Get that out of MY HOUSE!"  Totally fun.  When I put Ethan to bed, he climbed onto the bed, smacked his stuffed Koala across the room and yelled "Not in my HOUSE!" (Wed, 15 Dec 2010 12:09:24 GMT)

We're standing behind the house where Santa is sitting and Ryan hauls off and punches me in the leg. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Nothing," says Ryan. "But don't worry," he says looking in the direction of the house, "Santa's not watching." (Fri, 24 Dec 2010 01:37:23 GMT)

We are playing Lego Harry Potter on the Wii, and Harry gets to use an invisibility cloak to sneak around.  Discussing it last night after brushing our teeth, Ryan states that he wants to have an invisibility cloak, not for reasons you might expect, but so he can "punch bad people in the testicles without them knowing." (Sun, 09 Jan 2011 15:49:38 GMT)

We were standing in the entryway of a restaurant where there was a painted wooden cow. Ethan says, "I wish there was a butt on this cow."  Me: "A button on the cow?" Ethan: "No, a butt on this cow."  Me, still confused: "You want a button, as in 'something you can press?" Ethan: "No, a butt, as in 'somewhere the poo comes from'.  But a button would be nice too." (Sun, 16 Jan 2011 02:15:49 GMT)

Ethan just finished dinner and when I turned my head for a second I heard him start humming the theme from Indiana Jones. I looked back and he is hanging from the back of his chair readying himself for the leap onto another chair a few feet away. Before I could stop him he jumped, still humming, and landed on the chair with a smile. (Tue, 18 Jan 2011 01:02:30 GMT)

Watching Bears v Green Bay. Ryan:  "This is boring. Who wants to play Chutes and Ladders?". (Sun, 23 Jan 2011 22:35:41 GMT)

Awesome 3 year old jokes.  Ethan:"What do dolphins have for breakfast?"  Me:"I Don't know."  Ethan:"Lunch." (Mon, 24 Jan 2011 01:40:29 GMT)

At Monkey Joes with the boys. Ethan was running and the referee girl told him to walk. He nodded then took off again, whereupon she reminded him to walk. He nodded again, walked a few feet and took off again. She told him one more time and he slowed to a walk again. He is still walking everywhere but he walks like a coiled spring, seemingly holding himself from running by sheer force of will.  A (Fri, 28 Jan 2011 22:03:21 GMT)

Playing Super Mario Galaxy with the boys. After I died once, Ryan said, "That stinks!" and I replied, trying to be a good dad, "No, because every time I die I learn something new." A few minutes later after having died 10 more times, Ryan says, "Man, you must be learning a lot." Yep. What I am learning is that my son is a smart ass AND that it is really hard not to scream "F*CK THIS GAME!" when your sons are around. (Sun, 30 Jan 2011 14:36:29 GMT)

 

Ethan and Ryan were eating ice cream and asking questions. Ethan: "what's under your shirt, dad?" Me: "My skin." Ryan:"what's under your skin?" Me: "Muscles and blood." Ethan:"What's under that?" Me:"Tissues and organs." Ryan:"What kind of organs?" Me:"All kinds." Ethan: "Can I see?" Me:"No. Rule of thumb: if you can see yours or someone else's organs, call 911." (Sun, 13 Feb 2011 20:23:37 GMT)

Ryan's new favorite joke - Q:  Why can't you hear Pterodactyls going to the bathroom?  A: Because the "P" is silent!  Ethan likes to tell jokes too but sometimes misses the point.  His version - Q: Why can't you hear Tyrannosaurus going to the bathroom? A: Because the poo is silent!  I think he told some version of this about 30 times last night. (Fri, 18 Feb 2011 12:01:43 GMT)

Apparently I have to child proof the computer a little more because Ethan managed to order several DVDs from Netfix.  Kind of a surprise when the new little red envelope arrived containing "Diego and the Iguana Sing-a-long".  When I checked the queue there were 6 more Diego movies seemingly all at the behest of our little 3 year old computer hacker. (Sun, 20 Feb 2011 14:05:14 GMT)

While getting changed after swimming, Ryan grabbed all the keys and declared himself in charge of them. I said "So you are the Key Master then?"  He told me yes, he was the master of keys. Ethan then said, "But I want to be the Key Bastard!" (Sun, 27 Feb 2011 00:06:33 GMT)

Eating a healthy lunch of nuggets from McDonalds, Ethan balks at eating
a nugget because he "forgot how to eat".  I laughed and told him that this was at least an original excuse for not eating lunch, but since it is a relatively important skill I was willing to work with him so he was able to recall the motions required for consuming nutrients. (Sun, 27 Feb 2011 19:22:56 GMT)

 

Thanks Coach Piland!  The boys loved going to the gymnastics gym after school today to "work out".  They were laughing and excited the entire time and were mesmerized by the boys on the high bar.  Watching one of the varsity guys spinning around and then dismounting, Ethan looks at me and says "I need to get bigger so I can do that." (Thu, 10 Mar 2011 00:23:51 GMT)

Thank goodness for millisecond attention spans. Ryan tonight: "Dad, how do babies get into their mommy's uterus?" Me (under my breath): "Oh sh*t..." Ryan: "No, never mind. How does Superman fly?" Me (out loud) "Oh thank god. Well, Ryan, it all has to do with the earth's yellow sun..." (Thu, 17 Mar 2011 22:24:57 GMT)

My boys seem to be having a contest to determine who can come up with the worst possible way to wake daddy up. So far Ethan is in the lead with a wicked kick to the throat, but Ryan comes in a close second with a fart in the face and a headbutt. They both get extra points for their determination and willingness to sacrifice their own sleep to make these attempts at 4:46 and 5:13 in the morning, respectively. (Mon, 28 Mar 2011 13:15:02 GMT)

Got into a debate the other day with my boys about who is faster, the Flash or Superman. Ryan said Superman and I said the Flash, and Ethan said that Spiderman is cool and that he shoots webs and that he could shoot webs around the flash and superman and then Batman could come in and hit them all and that Jedi have lightsabers and Harry Potter has a scar. Ethan needs to work on staying on point. (Fri, 08 Apr 2011 11:03:02 GMT)